couple was about to be married. The groom was walking down the aisle
of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man noticed
that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best
man asked, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but
what's up - you look so excited." The groom replied, "I just had the
best blow job I have ever had in my entire life!" Just then the bride
came walking down the aisle and she, too, had the biggest, brightest
smile on her face. The maid of honor noticed this and asked, "Hey,
girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's
up - you look so excited." The bride replied, "I have just given the
last blow job of my entire life!"
three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends
when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds
of soda. The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because
he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!" The second
woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-Up' because he has seven inches
and it is always up!" The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man
'Jack Daniels'. The other two women responded: "'Jack Daniels'? But
that's a hard liquor." The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks
up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman (blonde, of course) behind
the wheel. There is the strong smell liquor on her breath. He says,
'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are
under the influence of alcohol.' She blows up the balloon, and he walks
it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes he returns to
her car and says, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'
She replies, 'You mean it shows that, too?'
was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke,
and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead
and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered
up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40
minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared
the second place finisher. Nearly 6 hours after that, the blonde finally
came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race,
she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think
those two other girls were using their arms
wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy
godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything
she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you
must wear a diaphragm."Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You
must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour
comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally,
at 5:00 a.m., Cinderella shows up,looking love struck and *very* satisfied. "Where
have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met
a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." I
know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" "I
can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other...."
had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio,therefore,
went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested
he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio
skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto
saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's
the girlfriend?" Pinocchio says, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double
vodka." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day." "Yes,
I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same
guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender
asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found
out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came
into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "WOW!
Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the
urinal. The guy has no arms. As Jason's standing there, taking care
of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to
take a leak. Jason finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Jason
to help him out. Being a kind soul, Jason says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll
help you." The man asks,
"Can you unzip my zipper?" Jason says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull
it out for me?" Jason replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Jason pulls it out and it has
all kinds of mold and red bumps, With hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars,
and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Jason to point it for him, and
Jason points for him. Jason then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Jason,
"Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Jason says, "No problem, but what the
hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and
says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.
man was sitting at a bar wearing a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots with
spurs, and chaps. A woman sits down next to him and asks, "I guess
you're a cowboy?" The man replies,
"Well, I like riding my horse on the range, I like sleeping out under the stars,
and I like roping steers. So I guess you could say that I'm a cowboy." He then
asks her what she is. She replies, "I'm a lesbian, I like the way women look,
I like the way they dress, and I like the way they smell. There's nothing better
than making love to a woman." She finishes her drink and leaves. Soon after,
another woman sits down next to him and asks, "I guess you're a cowboy? "He
replies, "Well, I used to think so. But now I think I'm a lesbian."
guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court
before the judge. The judge said,
"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather
than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the
evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back
in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to
the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded
17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did
you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told
them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle)
is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how
did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to
give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to
do that!" Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle
and told them, 'this is your annus before prison......' "
man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his
problem. In response the doctor said,
"When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself." That
same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All
excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife
is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves
in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come
and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well..when I
fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my
neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
James was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked
on him to answer a question.
"James," she said, "if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot
one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied James, "because
I would shoot one and the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer I was looking for is four," said the teacher, "but I like
the way you are thinking." Then Little James said, "I have a question for you
now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking
her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone,
which one is married?" The teacher blushed and answered meekly, "Well, I'm
not sure. guess the one sucking the cone..." "No," said Little James, "the
one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking!"
drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession
box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention,
but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall
three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the
"No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either." A farmer had
3 daughters, Flo, Betty and Samantha. Seems like they all had a date on the
same Friday and were all pretty excited about it. Around 7:00, there was a
knock on the door the farmer opened it to find a young man standing there. "Hello.
My name is Joe, I came to pick up Flo, we're going to the show. Is she ready
to go?" So the farmer let Flo leave with Joe and then returned to his chair.
Again, around 8:00 was another knock on the door. Again, the farmer opened
the door and found a young man there. "Hello. My name is Eddy and I came to
pick up Betty. We are going to eat some spaghetti, is she ready?" Betty and
Eddy left. The night wore on and finally around midnight, there was a knock
on the door. Getting out of bed, the farmer opened up the door and the man
there said, "What's up? The name's Chuck, and I own a truck....." and the farmer
married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they
made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from allthe wild sex,
they fell asleep, awakening around eight p.m. As the man threw on his
clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through
the grass and the dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped
into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his
wife when he entered the house." "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've
been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all
afternoon and I fell asleep." The wife glanced down at his shoes and
said "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
Joe's ol'lady snuck behind him one morning while he was sucking down
coffee and whacked him upside the head. "I found this piece of paper
in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it", she said,
furious. "You had better have an explaination!" "Calm down, baby," Big
Joe replied. "Remember last week when I was at the races? That was
the name of the horse I bet on." The next morning his ol'lady snuck
up behind him again and smacked him on the back side of his head with
a frying pan. "Your fucking horse called last night!"
and Moses was fishin'. Fish weren't bitin' so Jesus sez, "Gwan...do
it!" Moses sez "OK" so he concentrates real hard, slowly raises up
his arms and the water parts! Jesus says "Way cool...watch this!" And
he steps out of the boat and goes straight to the bottom. Moses pulls
him up and Jesus sez "Let me try that again". Woooosh, straight to
the bottom. Moses pulls him up again and Jesus says "I don't understand
it. I used to be able to do that really well." Moses sez "Sure, but
you din't have them holes in yur feet then!"
guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter
is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written
in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows
his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the
Book." "How current is your copy?" he asks. "I get a download every
ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?" "I'm embarrassed
to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not
until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't
arrived to your copy yet." "I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but
while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell
me about a really good deed that you did in your life?" The guys
thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when
I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing
this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were,about
20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed
a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He
was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 350 pounds, with a studded leather jacket
and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up
to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told
me to get lost or I'd be next." "So I ripped the leader's chain
out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then
I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor
innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged
Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!" St. Peter,
duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?" ......."About
three minutes ago."
day, this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for
ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not
a ship," he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer,
he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat, then even a
raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous
blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the
stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten
years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on
her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes
one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that
ever good!" She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had
a sip of bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!" She reaches
over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a
flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig,
and says, "Wow,that's absolutely fantastic!" Then she starts slowly
unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit,
looks at him seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since
you've had some REAL fun?" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies,
"Oh my God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
young punk gets on the cross town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored
hair that's green, purple & orange. His clothing is a tattered
mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His
entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings
are big, bright, red, yellow and green feathers. He sits down in the
only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at
him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and
yells at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart! Didn't
you do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat the
old man replied, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy,
I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought
you might be my son."
teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the
kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My
father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we
were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked
the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said
the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks.
And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That
was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my
daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in
Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory
and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank
the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in
the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine
gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete
till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good
heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell
you from that horrible story?" "Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
man is at the bar,really,really drunk.When the bar closed he got up
to go home. As he tumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the
sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really suprised but before she could do or say anything
he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over
to her and kicked her in the head, then he picked her up and threw
her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't
move very much so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right
next to hers and said..... "Not so tough tonight, are you batman".
golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At
the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round,
and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started
to pass on the street near the edge of the course. The golfer set down
his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited
for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his
putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That
was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped
playing, possibly loosing your concentration, just to pay your respects." "Well,
we were married for 25 years."
day a six year old walks into a house of ill repute dragging a dead
frog on a string behind him, slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter
and says, "I want one of your women. The madam looks at him and says "don't
you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on
the counter and says
"I want one of your women. "The madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes. "He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "she
has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he
slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She responds, "okay,
have a seat- it'll be about five minutes. "Two minutes later, a woman comes
out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal... As he's
leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The
six year old replies... When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter,
and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and
sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are going to
go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman
will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over
guys were sitting in a bar, talking. One was a doctor, one was a lawyer,
and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You
know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and
a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring,
she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love
her." After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my
last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the
Bahamas. I figured that if she didn't like the pearls, she would at
least like the trip, and she would know that I love her." The biker
then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah? Well, for my anniversary,
I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator. I figured that if she didn't
like the T-shirt, she could go fuck herself."
Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks up..........suddenly a
female genie appears from the bottle Master, I may grant you one wish.
says the genie with a smile. Hey, Bitch... don't you know who I am
... I don't need no woman give me nuttin! barks Rodman. The
genie pleads...But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned
to this bottle forever. Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about
the inconvenience of it all...he says Ok, ok...I wanna wake up
with three women in my bed in the morning. So just
do it! (giving the genie an evil glare) Now leave me alone! he screams.
So the annoyed genie says So be it!, and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton.
His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.
Montana Fish & Game Department released the following press: In
light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the
Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and
fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in
the field. "We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We
also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of
an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out
for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize
the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black
bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel
fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell
nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor
who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr.
Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work
in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we
expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "Thank goodness," returned
Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought
you were going to want me to pay with cash."
morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched
her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could
get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable,
she thought and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke
his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed
these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response,
so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death
grip in place she said,
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener,
the pool man and your brother.
hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what
it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position. "For
example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs
from behind and off you go."
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got
home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions.
First if it hurts, you will stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you
have to promise we won't go past my mother's.house"
woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well,
the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and
broke his finger!"
Clinton was campaigning at a old age retirement home. He went up to
a woman and shook her hand and said "Do you know who I am?" "No," replied
the old woman, "but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you!"
an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life,
a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes
for her. "Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." POOF: The
Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold. And I wouldn't
mind being a young and beautiful princess." POOF: The Fairy Godmother
turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess with a priceless
crown of jewels. Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The
elderly woman's dog raised his head a uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof". "Could
you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?" POOF: There,
in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess,
stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More
handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe,
completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He
bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll
bet you're sorry you ever had me neutered."
54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening
that reads: "Dear Wife: I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter
I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old
secretary." When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting
for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband: I too am 54 and by the
time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with
my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND, you, being an
accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many
more times than 54 goes into 18."
carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped
out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle
of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the
entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded
to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up,
the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I
found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find
my parakeet. "
elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the
same day so they could travel together. After the husband's examination,
the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you
have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?" "In
fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first
time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with
my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very
interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get
back to you." After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to
her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns
that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she
had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband
had an unusual concern. "He claims that he is usually hot and
sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly
after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old buzzard!" she
replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the
second time is usually in December!"
you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind? ....Monica Lewinsky...OJ
Simpson...Ted Kennedy...Bill Clinton WHY? ...Monica is a hooker, OJ
is a slicer , Kennedy can't drive over water, Clinton doesn't know
which hole to play
old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette.
It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out
a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued
to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for her cigarette. Her friend saw this
and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your
cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where
do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms
at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady
with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist
if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised
that this old lady was interested in condoms, but he asked her, "What
size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and then said, "One
that will fit a Camel!"
older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes
I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the
refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start
making a sandwich."The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find
myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was
on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm
sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She
raps her knuckles on the table, then she, says, "That must be the door,
I'll get it."
young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather
about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather
told him that "...when you first get married, you want it all the time...
and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off
and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you
have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are
lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary." The
young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma
now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's
oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well,"
Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my
bedroom. She yells, 'Fuck You,' and I holler back, 'Fuck You Too!'"
elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked
why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control
pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse
me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you
have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep
better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world
do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them
in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better
of studying for the last exam of their college careers, four seniors
spent the night partying in the house they had rented off campus. The
next morning they waited until the test would be almost finished, and
then they made their way to class. Along the way they all put grease
on their hands to support the story they were going to tell their professor.
The class was almost done with the exam when all four seniors burst
into class. They told the professor that they had a flat tire along
the way and could they please retake the test? The professor said that
he was a reasonable man, so he scheduled a test date for the following
week. Their plan had worked! They studied diligently for the next week,
making the most of their time. The day of the make-up came, and they
were ready for anything. Each was placed alone in a separate classroom
for the test. The first question, worth five points, was easy. The
second was worth 95 points. It simply read, "Which tire?"
Irish guy shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness.
He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender
for three more. The bartender says, "Hey, pal, I don't mind bringing
one at a time, then they'll be fresh and cold." "Nah... ahm preferrin'
that ya bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers
would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia,
the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split up that
we'd drink this way to each other's honor." "Well," says the bartender, "that's
a damn good sentimental thing to do. I'll bring the pints as you ask." Well,
time goes on and the Irishman's peculiar habit is known and accepted
by all the pub regulars. One day, the Irishman comes in and orders
only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures
something happened to one of the brothers. A bunch of the regulars
corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened.
With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, "Here's
your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?" The
Irishman looks extremely puzzled for a moment. When the light comes
on in his head, he starts laughing.
"No, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking for Lent."
Irish men meet in a bar. A man stumbles up to the only other patron
in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes
the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from
Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't
say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of
course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where
in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe
it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink
"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first
man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I
graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint
Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's
been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Oh, nothing much," replies the
bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
men were out playing golf and they started to run into the twosome
ahead of them. One said "I'll go up ahead and ask if we can play through." About
half way there he turned around and came back. "I can't talk to them.
One is my wife and another is my mistress." The other man says he'll
go talk to them. He goes halfway and also turns around and comes back
shaking his head.
"What a coincidence," he says.
guy applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove, seemed qualified for
the job. "Look Buddy," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience
in picking lemons ?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" he replied. "I've been divorced three times."
man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband
exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The
wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be
most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque brunette
walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband
and walked off. "Who was that?" the wife demanded. "If you must know," the
husband replied, "that was my mistress." "Your mistress? That's it!
I want a divorce!" the wife fumed. The husband looked her straight
in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house
in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry and our vacation
home in Mexico?" For a long time they continued dining in silence.
Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard
over there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied. "Oh," she said, taking a bite of
dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved
a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe
closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the
water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water
could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully,
and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson
can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Little Johnny,
who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink
whiskey and you won't get worms!!!"
was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey
standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue
when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd
you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well,
she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure
Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it
was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all
I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went
up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh
Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it
wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave
her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M,
but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little
Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take
my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece
of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better
than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road
and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N'
Plenty when all the sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have
it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.
Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening.
Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished,
the Chinese man runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives
under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with
the hooker and commences a repeat performance. The hooker is impressed
with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese
man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under
the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the
hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated
four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.
So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes
a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed,...and......finds four
day, a 4th grader came home from school and asks his father. "Dad,
everyone in class can count to 100, but I can only count to 10. How
come?" His father says, "Well son, that's because you're from West
Virginia." The next day, the 4th grader came home from school and says. "Dad,
today everyone in class recited the entire alphabet. I only know up
to the letter 'L'. How come?" Again, his father replies, "Well, that's
because you're from West Virginia." Then one day, the 4th grader came
home and was all excited, wearing a smile from ear to ear. He says, "Dad!
Dad! Today, we were in gym class, and all the boys had little penises,
but mine was huge! Is that 'cause I'm from West Virginia??" His father
replies, "No son, that's because you're 28 years old!"
3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what
time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk. About an
hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What
time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies
the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo
shay the bar opens at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait,I can
have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git
in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their
75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly
to his wife, Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always
bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of
our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been
the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your
answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different
father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the
eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes, yes he did." The
old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting
hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks,
"Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the old woman drops her head,
saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth
to her husband. Then, finally, she says,
middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table
she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is
it. God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers,
and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction,
breast augmentation, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since
she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of
it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately
gets hit by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I
thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" God replies, "Sorry,
I didn't recognize you."
is telling God how lonely he's been in the Garden of Eden. "You've
made the day and the night, the land and the sea, the trees and the
animals. But what I really want with me in the Garden is a perfect
companion. I want someone who will cook for me and take care of me.
I want someone to talk to at night and to think about during the day.
Can you make such a being for me?" "Sure I can," replied God. "But
it'll cost you an arm and a leg." Adam thinks for a second and replies, "well,
what can I get for a rib?"
man is looking for a motorcycle. He is shopping around, answering ads
in the paper and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful
classic Harley with a "FOR SALE"
sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition.
He immediately tells the owner that he'll take it. "This bike is beautiful.
But you got to tell me how you keep it in such good shape." "Well," says
the owner, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside
and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from
the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I'll give you my tube
of Vaseline." So the guy buys the bike and off he goes (a happy biker)
to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night
he takes the Harley over to her parents' house. It's the first time he
will meet the girlfriends parents. When the couple gets to the house,
the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Hey, I got to tell you something
about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No
problem," he says and in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack
in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In
the family room, another stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty
dishes. In fact anywhere he looked were dirty dishes. They sit down to
dinner and sure enough nobody speaks. As dinner progresses the boyfriend
decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses
his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle
her breasts. He looks at her parents but they still say nothing. So he
stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked and they make love
right on the dinner table. Still nothing. "Her mom is kind of cute," he
thinks. So he grabs her and has his way with her on the table. Again,
total silence. Suddenly, a few raindrops hit the windowpane and the boyfriend
realizes it's starting to rain. He figures, as much fun as he is having,
he'd better take care of the motorcycle. So he pulls the tube of Vaseline
out of his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT! I'LL DO THE DAMN DISHES."
couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hangar
at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of
them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The
other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will
kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a
beautiful time, like only drinking buddies can. The following morning,
one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if
he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he
feels great! No hangover! The phone rings. It's his buddy! The buddy
says, "Hey, how do you feel?" "Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy
says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff
is great. We should do this more often! "Yeah, we could, but there's
just one thing . . . " "What's that?""Did you fart yet?" "No . . . " "Well,
DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."
Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had
gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson,
look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what
does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another
nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means
someone has stolen our tent."
young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers.
Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinky
fingers and say
"HI there little boy!!" One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why
they always wave at him with their pinky fingers...she replies "well...that
is what size we imagine your penis to be...it is just a joke!" The next day
on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and
drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to
stretch his lips very wide and says "HI THERE LADIES!
farmer decided to upgrade his dairy cows so he went to the Bull Auction
and paid $30,000 for a real good papered bull. He took the bull home
and turned it in with a pen full of heffers in season. The bull showed
no interest in the heffers and strolled off and started to graze. The
farmer was perplexed and figured he had blown $30,000 and got a queer
bull and so in desperation called this wise old vet and told him of
his plight. The wise old vet told him to go lift the tail of one of
the heffers stick his hand in the vagina and go rub it on the nose
of the bull. The farmer followed the instructions and KAZAM the bull
came to attention and bred every one of those heffers. Late that evening
while in bed, the farmer was reveling in his success of the day when
he realized that he hadn't had an erection for a very long time. He
wondered if the same treatment would work for him so he reached over
and got a swab from his wife and rubbed it under his nose and KAZAM
his tool came to attention! He jumped out of bed flipped on the light
and yelled, "LOOK HONEY LOOK!" She woke up and looked at him and said, "You
woke me up from a sound sleep just to show me youv'e got a bloody nose
couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox
rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final
questions. The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance
says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately." "So
I can't dance with my own wife?" "No." "Well, okay,"
says the man,"but what about sex?" "Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah
within the marriage!" "What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Why not?" replies
the rabbi. "How about doggie-style?" "Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?" "NO!" says the rabbi.... "Could lead to dancing!"
was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to
his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they
decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking
they came upon the 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with
wonder because she's never seen anything like this before so she asks
the boy, "What are they doing?" He says "They're making love." "Well,
what's that long thing he's sticking in there?" She ask. "Oh, uh, thats
he answered. "Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she
ask. He says "Those are his knots" She says, "Oh, Ok I got it." As they
continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him
and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were." Surprised
and excited, the boy agrees. While they're getting at it all hot and
heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. "Whoa, what are you doing?" he
shouts. The girl innocently (??) replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll
get more rope."
god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled
in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley." "Riley?
He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have
had something in his hand." "Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel
it was." "Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?" "Aye,
that I did."
Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but that particular part of
Mrs. Riley is not much use in a fight!"
fellow was sitting at a bar drinking when a gorgeous blond came in
and sat next to him. After talking and having a few drinks together,
the fellow says to her, "How about playing the Magician Game?" "And
what would that be?"
answered the blond. "We go to my place, have a few drinks, get into bed,
have sex and then you disappear."
lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out
of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter
constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter
immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well,
it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating
for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that.
Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude
except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking
at her he asks "Why the panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can
fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He
knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same
scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his
birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black
condom. She looks at him and asks,
"What's with this... a black condom?" He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."
the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally retired
to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride left
the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What
are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance" answered the
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."
must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla. "But
I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."
husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my
mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like
something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?"
man walks in to local tavern and pounds his fist on the bar. "All lawyers
are assholes!" he shouts. Another man in the back of the bar jumps
up. "I resent that!"
"Are you a lawyer?" the first man asks. "No, I'm an asshole."
beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically at the funeral
service of her seventy-five-year-old husband. She confided in a friend, "We
had such a happy marriage for the three months it lasted. Every Sunday
morning he would make love to me, keeping time with the rhythm of the
church bells." She sobbed again, then added, " If that fire engine
hadn't clanged by, he'd be alive today."
richest man in the world knew he was going to die and he wanted to
set up his three children in business. He asked his oldest son what
he wanted to do. The boy said he liked cars, so dad bought him General
Motors. Then the dad asked his daughter what she wanted to do. She
said she liked talking on the phone, so dad bought her AT&T. Now
the youngest was only six years old, but dad knew he would understand.
The boy said he wanted a Mickey mouse outfit, so dad bought him the
enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, the recruit eagerly asked
his Recruiter what he could expect from jump school. "Well", he said, "it's
three weeks long." "What else" , he asked. "The first week they separate
the men from the boys", he said. "The second week , they separate the
men from the fools." "And the third week?" he asked. "The third week,
the fools jump".
1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." Pilot: "Roger, but
we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" Radar: "Sir,
have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet
store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady,
you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the
store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window
and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly." She
was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw
the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened
to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized
profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. When the lady
walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady." She
paused and said," yes?" The bird said, "you know."
guys are leaving a ball game, and while going to their parked car down
an alley, spot a naked woman lying on the ground, face up. Going over
to her, they discover that she is dead. Modestly, the first fan puts
his Orioles cap over her left breast, while the second fan puts his
Red Sox cap over the right breast. Finally, the last fan puts his Braves
cap over her pussy. Eventually, they find a cop to inform him. Together,
they walk back to the body, and the cop examines her. Quickly he looks
under the Orioles and Sox caps, then under the Braves cap. He makes
some notes, then goes back again, and again, to look under the Braves
cap. One of the fans asks the cop what he's doing. The cop responds,
"It's been a long time since I've seen anything but an asshole under a Braves
guy went to the middle of no where and picked up one of those new Mercedes.
He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing
happened. Furious, he demanded to see the plant manager, and told her "When
I buy a $50,000 car I expect the *&#@ radio to work." The plant
manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his
voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear.
Pretty neat stuff. He got back into the car and said "Country music,"
and old Willie Nelson started singing. "Rock and roll," he exclaimed,
and immediately Elvis started crooning. "Easy listening," he remarked,
and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator. He was relaxed,
driving back to his home when a female driver cuts him off. He controls
his temper but before he knows it another female driver cuts him off. "Stupid
bitches!" he screamed. The radio immediately blurted out, "So tell me
what you want what you really really want"
old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a
sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!" She
says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again." He
"What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party." She says,
"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again." He says,
"Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And
he hangs up. Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping
guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out." He says, "Vy?" They
say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call
up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here." He says, "Vait a minute,
vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials.
"Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I
insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?" She
says, "Yes?" He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"
woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified
for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well...
as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied.
"I've been divorced three times."
and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line.
One fella walked into a doctor's surgery and the receptionist asked
him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address,
medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes
later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles".
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and
told him to wait in an examining room. A half hour later a nurse came
in and asked him what he had. He said "Shingles." So she gave him a
blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to
take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the
doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The
doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you
was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the
offspring to arrive - at his in-laws place. As his leave balance had
gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law - " When my son comes,
do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy,
etc. otherwise I'll have to shell out a lot for parties etc. Just tell
me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival
of the baby." The offspring does arrive one day, but it's a daughter.
The father-in-law now thinks - "If I tell him that the clock has not
arrived, he'll misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby
and come rushing over." So he sends the message - " The clock has arrived,
but the pendulum is missing".
Child's View: When the driver stopped the bus to pick up our daughter
for preschool, she noticed an older woman hugging her as she left the
house. "Is that your grandmother?" She asked. "Yes," he said. "She's
come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," She said. "Where does
she live?" "At the airport," He replied. "Whenever we want her we just
go out there and get her."
saw this 1997 Cadillac advertised privately for $50, so I bought it
without question. The lady seller gave me the title and a receipt.
Then I said, "Lady, I can't steal this car from you. It has a retail
value of around $35,000." "Oh, I know," she said. "It's loaded, and
my late husband paid $39,000 for it just before he died. But in his
will he left instructions that it was to be sold, and the proceeds
given to his mistress. I can't wait to see her face when I give her
the fifty dollars!!"
concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says
to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears
me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the
doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and
say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close
and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the
severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does
exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in
the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's
for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and
asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets
fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
blonde was tired of having blonde jokes and decided to prove people
wrong. She spent weeks studying a map of the United States, memorising
all the capitals for all the states. The next time someone started
telling a blonde joke she said, "Hey, not all blondes are stupid. I
can prove it. Give me the name of any state and I'll tell you it's
"Vermont," someone suggested. "V", came the answer!.
Blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly
that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed
to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took
her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent
her on her way. Who Said Blondes Can't Fly after she climbed 1000 feet,
she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful,
and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed
again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched
her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't
radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed
about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was
going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't
remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and
one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner
asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner
"Ready!... Aim! ..." Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!"
Everyone is startled and looks around as the brunette escapes. The guard
brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last
requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!... Aim!..." Suddenly
the redhead yells, "TORNADO!" Once again, everyone is startled and looks
around, while the redhead silently slips away. By now the blonde has
it all figured out, and the guard brings her forward. The executioner
asks if she has any last requests, she says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!
... Aim!..." and the blonde yells, "FIRE!"
blonde guys were sitting around talking. After a while, the first blonde
looks at the second blonde and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a
ride in my airplane?" The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane?
Let's go!" So they go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually
they run low on fuel and need to land. The blonde pilot starts circling
around looking for a place to land. He sees an airstrip close by. He
says his to his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It
looks like it's as good a place as any." So he circles around and goes
in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back
up. "Damn!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen!
How is anyone supposed to land on it?" Since it's the only runway nearby,
he decides to try again, with the same result. Getting pretty irritated,
the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more
time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we
don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swearing and
gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed
this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one
could land on anything that short!" The second guy looks around and
says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"
blondes at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about
us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes
our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the
loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort
if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be
on are side. We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to
stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet
jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If
we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and
we will make up jokes about you and we will laff. Sined by the blonds
at the ofise (sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a
blonde walks into a salon wearing headphones and asks for a hair cut.
The hair dresser tells her she has to remove the headphones. The blonde
replies, "I can't remove them or I'll die." The hair dresser sighs
and decides to cut around them. After a few minutes, the hair dresser
tells the blonde again, "Look, you have to take the headphones off
so I can cut your hair." The blonde still insists that if she does,
she'll die. Once again the stylist tries to cut around the head phones.
Frustrated, she tells the blonde, "I'm taking the headphones off, I
can't cut your hair with them on." Before the blonde has a chance to
reply, the stylist rips the headphones off and the blonde falls to
the floor dead. Curious and devastated, the stylist wonders what was
on the headphones that would cause this poor girl to die without them.
She picks them up and listens, "Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale..."
Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Atlanta to claim
it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want
my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way.
We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out
for the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money
right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he
would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money!
If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want
my dollar back!"
group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group
was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable
The food is terrible It's too hot It's too cold The accommodations
are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good
luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"
the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one
will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't
be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring
tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed
the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed
the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but
I've sat on it."
upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach.
One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladamir). Vito had
no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on
the beach. But Vladamir had no success. Vladamir: "Vito! How do you
do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?" Vito: "Well, I'll
tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want
my system to become too public." Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal." Vito: "You
see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach
I take one and put it in my Speedos. When the women see it they come
running from miles around." Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that." The
next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out the
biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into
the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos. As he walked out
onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take
notice of him. "Its working, he thought." But soon he began to realize
that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted
by the sight of him. He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's
the problem? Why isn't it working?" Vito:
"Because your supposed to put the potato in the front."
Polacks were driving to the east coast via the southern route. When
they got to Texas they saw a sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" so
when they got to the filling station, they pulled in, got out and started
cleaning the restrooms! As they traveled the south they found it difficult
to make any real progress as there were many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs
along the way. When they finally arrived in Alabama they came across
a sign that read "Wanted, two Mexican males for rape", the two Polacks
looked at each other and thought, "Damn! those Mexicans get all the
rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching
rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement.
A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about $10,000 dollars
in prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer." Jake looked
at Bubba, a 6' 4"
giant with a brain the size of a pea, and got an idea. He told Bubba,
"I bet you could beat that guy. He doesn't look so rough, and you're no wimp." Bubba
thought about it for a minute and agreed that he probably could. The next weekend
Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the tournament was being held
and signed Bubba up. An old man came over and started briefing them on the
rules of the contest and such. Jake, seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked
the old man for any tips. The old man looked up to Bubba and said, "Just you
watch out for his pretzel hold. Ain't nobody ever gotten out that thing." One
by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back, balled up and
hurting. Two hours after they arrived, it was finally Bubba's turn. In the
ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Jake and said, "Don't
worry, buddy. I can avoid that pretzel thing." But not ten seconds after he
had gotten up in the ring, The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of
Bubba, and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten. Jake screamed
and started walking back to the locker rooms. He was pissed. He had just shelled
out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn't last 20 seconds. But right
before he got to the door, the crowd went wild! Jake ran back to the ring to
see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one arm raised
in the air by the referee. Jake ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba. The
crowd was out of control, and Jake and Bubba were $10,000 richer! Later in
the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba that he didn't see what had happened.
Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I thought all
was lost. I hurt like I'd never hurt before, and all I could hear was the ref
slamming his hand down and counting to ten. Then I looked up, and front of
me was this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose and figured it
might even help. So I stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I
could on those things." "Jake," Bubba said.
"You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets when he bites down on his own
Priest a Rabbi and a Witchdoctor are sitting together on a train. A
fly comes and lands on the priest who waves his arms and shoos it away.
So, the fly lands on the Rabbi who shoos it toward the Witchdoctor.
The Witchdoctor follows it with his eyes for a moment and suddenly
reaches out grabs the fly in his fist and eats it. The other two look
on with disgust but say nothing. When another fly comes near the priest
he again shoos it away. Once again the fly comes to the Rabbi, who
with one quick motion reaches into the air, turns to the witchdoctor
"Want to buy a fly?"
businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside
his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double
martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt
pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The
bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long.
But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before
you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo
of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to
bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jamestown wakes
up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts,
the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their
families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other
in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon,
everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits
calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up
to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep,
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure
ain't." Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The
man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years!!"
guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc, I think
my dick is just too damn small," he says. The doctor asks him which
drink he prefers. "Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused. "Aaaahhh.
There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers...
you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his
face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you
now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor. "Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but
I've got the wife on American beer!"
and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park.
They sat down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from
a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was
about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment,
she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple
know that someone can hear them." Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should
I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me.!!!!"
man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge
quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you
are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What
kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The
man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story
is 'It's that time of the month.'"
woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The
officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned
her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if
they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother didn't
come after all."
rich man and a poor man are sitting in a bar late one night. They're
talking about different things and then the poor man asks the rich
man what he got his wife for her birthday. "I got her a brand new Mercedes
Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring", said the rich man. The poor man,
a bit puzzled by this, says "Why in the hell did you get her both?" The
rich man replies, "I got her both because if she doesn't like the ring,
she can take it back in her new car and exchange it." After this, the
rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife for her birthday. The
poor man responds, "I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo." Obviously
confused, the rich man asks why he chose those items. The poor man
replied, "Because if she don't like the flip-flops, she can go screw
friend reminded me about the time he was putting flowers on his Grandmother's
grave when he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone
several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped
in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven,
tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die?
Why did you die?" Over and over again. Cal was overcome with emotion
at the sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why
did you die? Why did you die?" Again and again. Cal gently put his
arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried
just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?" "No," sniffled
the man, "It's my wife's first husband."
my," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm almost out of my mind....." Her
husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised.
You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
does Saddam want for Thanksgiving? Turkey.
do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both have Kurds
in their Whey.
do Sadaam Hussein and General Custer have in common? They both wanted
to know where the hell those Tomahawks were coming from!
is the best Iraqi job? Foreign Ambassador
you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? You
only have to teach them to take off.
do you play Iraqi bingo? B-52...F-16...B-52
is Iraq's national bird? Duck
is Saddam like Fred Flintstone? Both may look out their windows and
do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? They need a map.
does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see the Iraqi
did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? "They're right!
We do taste like chicken!"
do you castrate a West Virginia Redneck? You kick his sister in the
President Clinton calls Hillary "Butter Cup," what does he call Monica
Lewinski? Suction Cup.
do a dildo and soy beans have in common? They are both used as substitute
the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day,
anal sex makes your hole weak.
does Michael Jackson know when its time to go to bed? When the big
hand touches the little hand.
do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can
both smell it but can't eat it.
was copper wire invented? Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance
of becoming a human being.
you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you
wonder where her tits went...
the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack
cracker, the other a crack snacker!
the difference between Pee-Wee Herman and O.J.? It only took 12 jerks
to get O. J. off.
is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner, if you have a
the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your Mother-in-law backing
off a cliff in your new car.
a cunt that talks back? An answering cervix.
Why did God give men penises ?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here"
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
You come in one and go in the other.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Why did the army send so many women with pms to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence.
couple were sitting in the living room watching TV when the phone rang.
The husband picked it up, listened for a minute then screamed, "How
the hell would I know? Call the weather bureau!" As he stomped back
to his chair his wife asked, "What was that all about?" He replied, "Aw,
it was just some dumb dork wanting to know if the coast was clear."
captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty
rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants
were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an
hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined
bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally
abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's
voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some
ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always
do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our
trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight
crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation,
and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston. After a short
pause and several clicks...... "Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride!
Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job,
right about now!" As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the
cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of
the passengers called after her, "DON'T FORGET THE COFFEE"
guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's
taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is
up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her
grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three big bikers walked
in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the
old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked
up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a
seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over
the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without
a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter,
one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man,
was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either.
He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
man gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says: "About this
medical test I did on you, I have some good news and some bad news." The
man asks for the good news first: "The good news is that you have 24
hours to live," says the doctor. The man, incredulously: "If that is
the good news, then what is the bad news??" "I couldn't reach you yesterday."
River Phoenix and Liberace are all hanging out up in heaven and getting
a little bored with fluffy white clouds and angels playing harps. Elvis
eventually says to Archangel Gabriel, "Look, we're bored up here, man.
Can we be resurrected on Earth for a day, just to break the monotony?" Gabriel,
not too sure about it, thinks awhile, and eventually agrees; "But only
if you promise not to revert back to any of your former sins...If you
do, you're going straight to hell." Elvis, River, and Liberace all
agree, and find themselves on Earth. As they walk along, Elvis spots
a bar and, unable to resist the temptation, heads towards it. As he
touches the door handle, *WHOOF* he's gone. River, shocked by this,
utters, "Holy shit, man! Gabriel wasn't joking when he said we'd go
straight to hell..." "Nevermind, nothing we can do, The King's gone
now kid. Let's go" And, they continue walking along the road, when
River spots a $5 bag of cocaine lying on the pavement. Just as he bends
over to pick it up, *WHOOF* ...Liberace disappears.
a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store.
The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like
to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles
shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice
between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, because it's
bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to
one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They
think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you
grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "Well,
if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for
when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll
be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement
is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He
takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready
to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic
is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man,
frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a
housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy
yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with
dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still
a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria.
Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she
went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his
hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama,
Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all
good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So,
up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his
pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama,
Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry.
All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll
take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there,
Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," says
the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
that her husband's relationship with the alluring young miss across
the street was becoming more than a little friendly, the suspicious
wife awoke one morning to find herself alone in bed. Angered, she dialed
her attractive neighbor and bellowed into the phone, "Tell my husband
to get his tail across the street." "Ma'am," a soft, sexy voice replied,
"That's where he's been getting it for some time now."
man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood.
Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn.
Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple
behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house,
and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked
what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having
a yard sale today."
sisters decided to get married on the same day and to save their parents
money, they also resolved to spend their honeymoon nights at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep so she went to the kitchen
for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's
bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's
normal, especially on her wedding night." She snuck by her second oldest
daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too,"
she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's
room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The
next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman
asked her daughters about last night's noises. "Well, Mom," the eldest
replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream." "Mom, you told
me that if it tickled, I should laugh,"
replied the next daughter. "Now it's your turn honey," she said turning
to the youngest. "Why so quiet in your room last night?"
"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."
once was a young catholic woman who went to confession. Upon entering
the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The
"Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend
made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard
and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink
it." The young woman asked,
"Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The Priest said "NO, but it will wipe that
smile off of your face."
young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles
are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way
of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did
he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce
proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "What's the problem?" "I
want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped
the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean
your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!" "Damn right," the
tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!
and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are
there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we
ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen.
He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews." "Are you
sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir."
the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone,
Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are
scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said,
"Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe
there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We
have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear
of Chinese jews!"
American soldier, a British soldier, and a French soldier stumble into
cannibal territory while drunk and sober up on a cannibalistic five
star resaraunt's front door step. Rather than starve or die they go
inside and are seated at a table. They are given menus. The American
says, "Wow! Look! Barbecued American! Only $6.95!" To this the Brit
says, "Oh yea? Well how about Baked Brit for only $7.15! The Frenchman
"Oh, but what what about sauteed Frenchman for only $7.25! But Sacre Bleu!
$21.45 for Broiled Arab???!!! Thees is Outrageous!" They decide to ask the
waiter; so the next time he comes by they ask, "The prices are pretty much
the same and I'll bet they all taste close to the same...but why so expensive
for the Arab???" The waiter with a disgusted look on his face replied with
contempt, "Have you any idea how long it takes to clean an Arab???!!!"
gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a restaurant.
The American feel really proud to be an American, so he starts a conversation.
He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?" "Mais
oui!, of course!" responds the Frenchman. "Well," says the American,
"we only eat the soft part of it. The rest we collect in containers, take to
a factory and put through a mill. What comes out are little breads that we
sell in France. "And what about steaks?" he continues.
"Do you eat all parts of them?" "Bien sur! We do," replies the Frenchman. "You
don`t say!" says the America, grinning. "We don`t! We only eat the meaty part
of the steak. The greasy part we collect in containers, take to a factory,
put through a mill, and what comes out are little steaks that we sell in France." Now
the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, "And what do Americans do with their
used condoms?" "Hey, we throw them away of course," says the American.
"Ha!" exclaims the Frenchman. "We collect them in containers, take them to
a factory and put them through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we
sell in America!"
a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English
are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me...in
me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and
some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman said, "Very
sporting of your mother."
Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she
is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I
do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your
buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein
loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider
that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take
care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her
husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly
did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two
minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency
few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the Polish
jokes we knew. Boy, what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom
to sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came
in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't like you telling
all those Polish jokes!" So I said, "Well, they're not against you,
pal, just against anyone in Poland." "My mother is in Poland!" he screams,
and pulls out a razor. Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed
me if he had found a place to plug it in!
Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of
a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me,
me!" Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi- syllable
word?" Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." Teacher smiles and says "Wow,
little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're
thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a hand-job."
teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all
the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good,
but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My
family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The
teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'" Little Billy
raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted
for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could
damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Little Johnny said, "My
sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she
can only fasten 8."
Johnnys Mother had been away a week at a N.O.W. convention and when
she returned home, she was anxious to hear about his week. "Well, one
night we had a thunderstorm, and I was scared, so Daddy and me slept
together," her son said. "Johnny!" said the boy's French Au Pair, "Don't
you mean 'Daddy and I'?" "No!" replied Bobby. "That was Thursday, I'm
talking about Monday night."
young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so
the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque
he said quietly,
"Good morning son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking
his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied
the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little
Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir,
the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decidied
what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will
recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his
frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out
his act. Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill
the hall and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories
to rapturous applause... Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and
recites his poems to the delight of the audience. Finally, out comes
Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone
and says... "Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday
I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression
of some of the many sounds I hear on my unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY!
GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"
Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate
on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His
father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television,
ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running
back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the
game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took
Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned
back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game
resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to
be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What
in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him
all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how
salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman
asked if his father was at home. Johnny said "yes". The salesman said, "Well,
can I see him please?" Johnny snickered, and said, "No, he is in the
shower." Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny
said, "yes." The salesman said,"well can I see her?" Johnny snickered
again and said,
"no, she's in the shower too." The salesman then asked, "do you think they
will be out soon?" Johnny laughed this time and said "no." The salesman asked
why. "Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave him
some super glue."
woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The
woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told
him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the
first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream
color." The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window,
opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window
and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked
confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking
of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the
window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the
woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the
woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once
more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do
you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you
the color I would like the room?" The contractor replied,
"Because I have a crew of blondes laying grass across the street."
you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their
car at the drive in? Yeah, they went to see "Closed For The Winter"
blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding,
would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was
worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The
first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's
pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed
toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely
pissed off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't
defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"
day, a man comes home from work and finds his blonde wife leaning over
the kitchen sink and crying. He said, "Honey, what's wrong?" She said
between sniffles, "I...I dropped the ice cubes on the floor, and then
I rinsed them off in hot water, and now I can't find them."
the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?" the shop teacher
asked Judi, the only girl in the shop class during the first day of
school. Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well,
I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
to long ago a blonde woman I know had a near death experience that
has changed her forever. She was horseback riding, and everything was
going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried
with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Her foot became
caught in the stirrup. She fell head first to the ground and her head
continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just when things were looking their worst, as she was giving up hope
and about to lose consciousness, there was a miracle: The Wal-Mart
manager came and unplugged it.
the world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived early at
the stadium for the first game of the series between local rival teams
only to realize that she had left her ticket at home. Not wanting to
miss any of the first inning, she went to the ticket booth and got
in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait she was just
a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!" Cathy
looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice
-- with no success. Then she realized she had lost her place in the
line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again.
After she had purchased her ticket, she was thirsty, so she went to
buy a beer. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But
since the game hadn't started she decided to wait. Just as she got
to the window, a voice called out "Hey, Linda!" Again Cathy tried to
find the voice and got out of line as she wandered looking for the
owner of the voice. But no luck. Cathy was very upset as she got back
in line for her beer. Finally she had her beer and took her seat eager
for the game to begin. As she waited for the first pitch, she heard
the voice calling, "Hey, Linda!" once more. Furious, Cathy stood up
and yelled a the top of her lungs, "My name isn't Linda!"
woman is in bed with her lover...who also happens to be her husband's
best friend. They make love for hours. As they lie there afterward,
the phone rings. They're at her house, so she answers. As her lover
listens, she says,
"Hello? Oh, hi. Really? That's great. I'm happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great.
Thanks. Okay. See you tomorrow. Bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover
asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies,
"that was my husband, telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing
trip with you."
men was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and
joined the army. "But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have
to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?" "Sure," replied
"Well, won't they find out?" The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"
newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately
demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through
the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law
in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days
later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked
by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something
to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever
a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head,
no and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what
that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What
a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'
The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my
head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the
charms, or lack there-of of the actress Sharon Stone. "I say she's
highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs
and that figure, and what have ya got ? "My wife" said the other with
a heavy sigh.
one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically
through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him
if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday,
you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or
seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they
served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five
o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had
to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then
I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the
man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey,
which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir,
I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer
test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint
a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The artist was told
to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at
Little Big Horn. Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After
many false starts, she proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting.
Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the
curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with
a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background,
the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples
copulating. The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees.
In a rage he turns to the artist and asks,
"What the hell has this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?" The artist replied, "Well,
the way I see it, Custer's Last Thought had to have been: Holy Mackerel! Where
did all these f*#king Indians come from?"
young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his
homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet." His plan was
to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the
kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a
wooden spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized
he was gay. Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You
mean, homosexual?" "Well...yes." Still without looking up: "Does that
mean you suck men's penises?" Caught off guard, the young man eventually
managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother
turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under
his nose, snapped: "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National
Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas,
and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the
road for breakfast. Their waitress serves them their food, and the
husband from Nebraska says, "could you pass the honey honey?" to whom
his wife, hands over the honey. Then, the husband from Kansas says " Could
you pass the sugar sugar?" and she passes him the sugar. The Iowan
husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says "Wanna
pass me the bacon, pig?"
old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink
she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To
which he replied,
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses,
mending fences, I guess I am." After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning
I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me
think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another
drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To
which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a
Hussein, curious to see how his newly implemented decree allowing Iraqis
to travel abroad for the first time in years heads down to the passport
office. Once there he joins the line. One after another the passport
seekers ahead of him insist that President Saddam take their place.
Very quickly he has moved to the head of the line and he is dealing
with the clerk. The clerk issues President Saddam his passport with
lightning speed. The president thanks the clerk, then turns around
to discover that all those in line behind him have vanished without
a trace. Saddam turns back to the clerk and asks what has happened.
"Simple," says the clerk, "if you leave Iraq, no else has to."
successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He
lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and
the second half of his round-trip ticket--if he could get to the airport
he could get himself home. So he went to the front of the casino where
there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the
cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered
him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address,
etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars,
get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike
to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year
later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial
success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty
good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a
cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at
the long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him
a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a
moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity,
and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How
much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks." came the
reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?!
Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each
cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "Fifteen
bucks." The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they
drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big
smile and a thumbs-up sign to each driver.
a whirl wind courtship and marriage, the happy couple climb into the
carriage (amid rice sprinkling on them) and the horse trots off taking
them to their farm home from the church. The horse carried then up
and down the foothills towards their homestead. On a particularly steep
hill, the horse stumbled and caused the couple to be uncomfortably
jolted in their seats. The farmer calmly stopped the horse. Got off
the wagon, walked up to the horse, grabbed it by the harness, looked
it in the eyes, and said in a loud voice "that's once". The farmer
got back in the wagon and the horse plodded off. Again they were going
over a particularly difficult portion of the road and the horse stumbled
and jolted the couple in the wagon. The farmer again got out of the
wagon, walked up to the horse, stared it in the eye, and said
"that's twice". The new wife was perplexed by all this but did not even know
how to begin to ask what he was doing. They traveled further down the road,
and the horse stumbled a third time, jolting the couple. The farmer got out
of the wagon, went to the back of the wagon, took his gun, and promptly shot
the horse in the head, leaving it lying in the middle of the road. Dead. The
new wife gaped in astonishment at her husband. she said, "What the hell did
you do that for, horses are very expensive, and how the hell do you expect
me to get to the farm now? I cannot believe you did that!" The farmer walked
up to the wife, looked her in the eye and said, "that's once".
woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need
to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security
number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm
a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never
work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman,
"Ok, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The
accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore
or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
can I do for you?", the Dr. asked the 67 year old couple. "Watch us
have sexual intercourse" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When
the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse," and he charged them $32.00 for the office
visit. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make
an appointement, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally
the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The
old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married
so we can't go to her house. I am married so we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00, we do it
here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to
the doctor's office.
attractive, slim, big breasted woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk
offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and
was looking for a small dog to keep her company. The clerk explained
that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately,
they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any ordinary pets. He did say,
however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman
into a back room. He walked over to a glass tank and pointed to a large
bullfrog which sat inside it. "Would that suit your needs?", he asked.
The woman answered, in anger, that she hardly thought a frog would
be a suitable companion. "Ah", replied the salesman, "but this 'bullfrog'
has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women." At
this the woman's eyes lit up. She gladly offered $500 for the frog,
and left the store smiling from ear to ear. Arriving home, she took
a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation.
When she was thoroughly relaxed, she dried herself, and arranged herself,
nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between
them, closed her eyes, and waited. Nothing happened. She poked the
frog with her finger. Still nothing. She moved it up further toward
her vagina. Nothing happened. She ordered it to perform. No response.
After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called
the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she
had been cheated. The clerk apologized, wrote down her address, and
said he'd be right over. Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door,
and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate
the problem. She did so, by removing her nightgown and lying down in
the same position with the frog in place. The frog made no movement. "You
see? You see?", she repeated. "Yes, I do", said the man. Then, he turned
to the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, and said, "Now, I'm
only going to show you this one more time..."
doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their
sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could
not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them
thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and
"Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. "On your way home from
my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts.
Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor
until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees
you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your
tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole.
Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the
good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take
the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the
physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens
the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe
your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help. "The Greens
pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please,
please help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home
from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a
box of Cheerios..."
dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows
of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop
at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking
his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping
wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another
long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just
what the hell are you looking at, driver?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're
completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman
spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and
said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the
cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother
wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get
her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like
for her. Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like
getting intimate with young men? Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys
are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for
me. Mom: How? Daughter: Oh, stuff.... Mom: Really now, you can trust
me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about
these matters... Daughter: I don't know.....Mom: Now don't forget,
I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like
for me, believe me, I remember. Daughter: Really? Mom: Really... Daughter:
Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?
Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks
the father. "The teacher asked, "How much is 2x3?" I said "6" "But
that's right!" "Then she asked me, How much is 3x2?" "What's the fucking
difference?" "That's exactly what I said!"
Johnny's neighbor, Little Timmy, was a mean, arrogant, foul-mouthed
brat, and Timmy's father was tired of it. Christmas was coming up,
so he gave his son an ultimatum: Behave yourself and you'll get what
you want for Christmas; keep acting like a jerk and you'll get a pile
of dog crap in place of the gift. Timmy couldn't help himself when
he told his dad what he wanted for Christmas. It was habitual. "I want
a damned teddy bear laying right here beside me when I wake up on Christmas
morning," Timmy said. "Then, when I go downstairs, I want to see a
train going around the freaking tree, and when I go outside I expect
to see a new bicycle leaning up against the damned garage!"
Christmas morning, Little Timmy woke up and rolled over into a big pile
of dog crap. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog crap
around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and
saw a huge pile of dog crap by the garage. When he came back inside the
house, his dad smiled and asked, "So, Timmy, what did Santa bring you
this year?" Timmy replied, "Beats the hell out of me. I think I got a
dog but I can't find him."
year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and
is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters
the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream
now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Johnny whimpers
and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she
"OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play
Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease
him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she
can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling
a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He
dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices
a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and
slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves
to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises up and says, "What do I do
now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get
that kid some ice cream!
teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks, "What do you like
best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert." "The artwork," says
"Very good. And you, Peter?" "Her tits!" says Peter. "Peter, get out! Go stand
in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?" "I'm leaving,
teacher, I'm leaving..." Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what
their father does for a living, and spell it. First kid says, "My daddy's a
baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat." Second
kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money,
buys us lots of toys." Next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh,
e-l-e-x...uh...." Teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think
about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to little Johnny, she says, "You're
next, Johnny." Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll
lay you odds ten to one Rayford don't ever spell electrician."
new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts
her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up." After
a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think
you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am," he says,"but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself." One day an Englishman, a Scotsman,
and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint
of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage,
three flies landed in each of their pints, andwere stuck in the thick
head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman
fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing
had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but
then held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT,
Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and
dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt
in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies ets) and
was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of
water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass
of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir. " A
thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white
man sit on well."
having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough.
They could not afford a larger double-wide so, the husband went to
his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin
didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there
was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The
doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks),
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and
count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
man but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to get a second opinion.
The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure
for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were.
This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb,
light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home,
lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his
ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5....
", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed
counting on his other hand.
vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that
he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He
went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country
store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite
obviously a local farm girl. He asked "Do you keep stationery ?" "Well," she
giggled, "I can ... until the last few minutes, then I just go plain
Chinese couple has owned their restaurant for about ten years. Their
business is doing very well. So they decide to go on a second honeymoon.
they go on their honeymoon to the most luxurious hotel in the Caribbean.
So they get to the hotel and they unpack. The wife comes out to her
husband in a beautiful negligee from Frederick's of Hollywood. She
says to her husband, "Tonight is your night honey, any fantasy you
have, it's yours." The husband thinks for a minute and says to his
wife, "Well, I have always wanted to try a number 69." The wife thinks
for a minute and replies to her husband, "Why you want Chicken with
Broccoli at a time like this?"
boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire
an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter.
He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one
listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two
know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working
at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long
after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's
the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates," protests
"We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm gonna
sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "You blind?" asks
Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now." So they have their drink,
and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "Your cute," she says, "and I'd
like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend
to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea'
means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up,
comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid
up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why'd
you give me the okay?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." He
points to his stripes. "But we're sergeants now."
who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch of a
nursing home in the country, when he sees a cloud of dust up the road.
He watches a farmer approaching, with a wagon. "Good afternoon!" hollers
out Walter. "Afternoon," says the farmer. "Where you headed?" asks
Walter. "Town." "What do you have in the wagon?" Walter continued.
"Manure." "Manure, eh? What do you do with it?" "I spread it over my strawberries," the
farmer says matter-of-factly. "Well," says Walter,
"you should come over here for lunch someday. We use whipped cream."
Psychiatrist is assessing the mental status of three patients. He asks
each of them to answer the question, "what's three times three?" The
first patient says, "158." The second patient replies, "Tuesday." The
third patient answers, "nine." The shrink turns to this last patient
and asks, "how did you know that?" "Easy," he quipped, "Just subtract
158 from Tuesday!"
couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how
they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's
only fair to warn you Jody." he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat,
sleep and breathe golf." "Well, since you're being honest, so will
I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker." "I see." he said. Then brightening,
"It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit
samurai meet to decide which among them is the greatest swordsman The
judge approached the first samurai and opened a small box. Out flew
a fly. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly fell
to the ground, neatly sliced in half. "Very impressive," said the judge.
Now the judge came to the second samurai a again opened a small box.
The samurai's sword flashed twice and the fly fell neatly cut into
four parts. "Superb," exclaimed the judge! Finally it was the third
samurai's turn. The judge opened a third small box and a third fly
buzzed out. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly
continued to buzz away. The third samurai put up his sword with a satisfied
grin on his face. "But the fly still lives" observed the judge. "True," replied
the samurai, "But he will never again reproduce!"
10-year-old Johnny goes for a long weekend with his uncle, a wealthy
farm owner. One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining
guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Johnny
who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come Quick! The bull is fucking the cow!" Uncle
John, highly embarrassed, takes young Johnny aside, and explains that
a certain amount of decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The
bull is surprising the cow'- not some filth picked up in the playground," he
says. A few days later, Johnny comes in again as his aunt and uncle
are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!" The
adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Johnny, but
surely you meant to say the cow, not cows. A bull cannot 'surprise'
more than one cow at a time, you know..." "Yes, he can!" replies his
obstinate nephew. "He's fucking the horse!"
man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny
was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared
that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.
When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied
around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog
was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's
really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog
would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck." "Yeah," Johnny
replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The
teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please
use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you
to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight,
but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row because he continues to hear
thumping sounds coming from his parents room. One morning he decides
to approach his mother and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and
daddy making loud funny noises. When I looked in your bedroom you were
bouncing up and down on him!" His poor mother was taken by surprise
and replied, "Well, um, uh....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because
he's fat and that makes him thin again." The little boy replied very
calmly, "well, that won't work." His mom asked, "Why not, son?" The
"Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him
couple is about to be married. The groom is walking down the aisle
of the church to take his place at the altar and the best man notices
that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best
man says "hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but
what's up? You look so excited." The groom replies, "I just had the
BEST blow job I have ever had in my entire life." Now the bride comes
walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile
on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says "hey, girlfriend,
I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look
so excited?" The bride replies "I have just given the LAST blow job
of my entire life."
did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama? Everyone has the same DNA.
woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker
asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What
are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,
LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he
"What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she
said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy,
come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them
to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their
Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father
took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything
they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy
"What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like
this in my life, I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were
watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to
watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again,
and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son
and said, "Go get your Maw."
was a beautiful warm spring day; a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She was wearing a cute, loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeve-less
with straps. As they were walking through the ape exhibit, they passed
in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla went ape. He jumped up
on the bars, holding on with one hand (and both feet), grunting, and
pounding his chest with the free hand. He was obviously excited at
the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement,
suggested his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggested she
pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She did, and Mr.
Gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall, she
did, and Mr. Gorilla was just about to tear the bars down. "Now, try
lifting your dress up your thighs," he said. This drove the gorilla
absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabbed his wife by the
hair, ripped open the door to the cage, slung her in with the gorilla
and yelled, "Now, tell *him* you have a headache!"
chick went to the doctor for a checkup. She got undressed and the doctor
noticed that she had a large red H on her chest. The doctor asked, "Why
do you have that red H on your chest?" The chick replied, "Well, my
boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he won't take
his letterman's sweater off during sex." Later that day, the doctor
examined another chick and he noticed that she had a large red S on
her chest. So the doctor askeed, "Why do you have that red S on your
chest?" The chick replied, "Well, my boyfriend goes to Stanford and
he's so proud of it that he won't take off his letterman's sweater
during sex." The next day, the doctor examined another chick when he
noticed a large red M on her chest. The doctor said, "Let me guess,
you must have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan." The chick responded,
"No. But I do have a girlfriend that goes to Wisconsin."
was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his
daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to
the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How
much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she
"Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie
Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced
Barbie for $265.00". Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all
the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced
Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
woman woke up and told her husband of her last night's dream. "I was
at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny
ones for $10."
Husband: " What about one my size?" Wife: "Didn't get a bid!" Hurt and
wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I
was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1000
and the loose ones for $10." Wife: "What about ones like mine?" Husband: "That's
where they held the auction."
was driving home after a day at the construction site; over the Golden
Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and
clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling
Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to
the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?!" Bob thought
for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55? "93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone."
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion,
"That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good
look at the young bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why
I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!" The cop
leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath,
said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!" "I'm a Pussy stretcher," replied
Bob. "What you say, BOY?!!" asked the patrolman. "A Pussy stretcher." Of
course the cop asked, "What's a Pussy stretcher do?" Bob explained, "Girls
call me up and say they want to be stretched so I go over there and start
with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand,
then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and
asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot Pussy?" Bob nonchalantly
commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick it at the end of a
doctor tells a homosexual he has AIDS. "What should I do?" asks the
man. The doctor tells him to go to Mexico, drink the tap water, eat
raw fruit and vegetables, and eat tacos from a vendor with dirty hands. "Will
this cure me?" asks the man. "No," replies the doctor, "but it will
teach you what your asshole is really for."
Gore, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling by car together
in the Midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air
and tosses they thousands of yards away. When they come to extract
themselves from the vehicle, they realize they are in the Land of Oz.
They decide to go to see the Wizard. Gore says, "I'm going to ask the
Wizard for a brain" Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After
dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke."Well sister, this
looks pretty grim."
"I know, father." the nun answered. "In fact, I don't think its likely that
we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." said the nun. "Sister, since
we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything
father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I could
see them?" "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any
harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I
touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father,
could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis.
Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting
his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after
a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know
that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father? Then why don't you stick it in the camel's ass and let's
get the hell out of here."
man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs
that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful
frame top to bottom, then answers,"A quickie." The waitress turns and walks
away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What
would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across
the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at
the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced
couple have been dating for quite some time. He wants her in the worst
way, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for
marriage. As they are kissing, and doing their thing, he is all hot
and bothered; and says, "Oh come on, just a feel." She replies, "No,
I'm saving myself for marriage." They go back and forth. He says, "Just
one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel." She finally agrees,
"Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage." So
he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting
a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we PLEASE?"
She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage." He begs,
"Please, please?" and she answers, "No, no, absolutely not, I'm saving myself
for marriage." He suggests, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip
in?" She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage." He begs and pleads
with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that." She
finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all." He agrees,
pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... the sensation makes him lose
control; he shoves it all the way in and starts pumping like crazy... she meanwhile
is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT ALL WAY IN!" A
little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not. A deal's a deal!"
married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon
their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the FATHER. He asked
if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor
of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining
that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as labor progressed, the husband felt fine,
so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor
then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband
was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure
and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this they decided
to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since
it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy
baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When
they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around
the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes,
I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good
care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you
my mother?" "Yes, I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good
care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father
and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered. The
baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index
finger five times saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"
tells his patient, "your test results look bad, you have cancer and
alzheimer's." His patient responded, "well thank God I don't have cancer!"
kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came
for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling
on them one at a time. Eventually little Johnnie's turn came. Little
Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk,
made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well
the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report,
so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well
I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned
if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed
one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next
door shot himself."
man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a few
beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it,
that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
The coworker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get
home tonight, sneek into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently
pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it,
and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the
boys." So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.
Late that night, he sneeked into the house, slid down under the sheets,
gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned
and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he
had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed
and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and
went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up
man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off
the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and, on the
next green when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little
dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. The man is quite
amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really
talented! What does it do if you miss a putt??" "Somersaults."
"Somersaults!!!!!! How many of them does it do?" "Mmm, depends on how hard
I kick it!"
was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When
he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him
on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented
him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed
him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was
met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she
closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed
orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from
under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar
for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him
what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was
young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says
the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man
wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night.
We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And
I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me,
she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The
young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits
down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might
give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues
praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says,
"You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to
her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they
decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful
wedding night. Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out
of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She
stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were
you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?" He
replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your
brains out and suck your boobs dry." "And what are you thinking now,
baby?" she asked huskily. He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good
job of it!"
deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off
the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After
several nights of fumbling around and various misunderstandings, the
wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we
agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to
have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If
you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast
one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to
his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over
and pull on my penis one time." If you don't want to have sex, reach
over and pull on my penis fifty times"
a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was
still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were
getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the
following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as
a virgin, died as a virgin" Not long after, the old maid died peacefully,
and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went
to carve it in, but as the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the
inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned
guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell
rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says 'Hi, I'm Freddy.
I'm here to pick up Betty. We're gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?'
The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave. A
few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing
there says 'Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a
swim. Can I come in?' The guy, now perplexed, says yes and the two
take off. A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father
answers. A kid standing there says 'Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up
Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Can she go?' The man, now kind of
annoyed says yes and the two depart. Sure enough, af few minutes later
the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says 'Hi,
I'm Chuck..' The father shot him.
was a businessman who was going on a long business trip. He knew his
wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something
to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like
the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold
sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized
sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing
through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife,
and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained
his situation. The old man said, 'Well, I don't really know of anything
that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments,
and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied
for weeks, except -- ' and he stopped. 'Except what?' the man asked.
'Nothing, nothing.' 'C'mon, tell me! I need something!' 'Well, sir,
I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'' 'So
what's this voodoo dick?' he asked. The old man reached under the counter,
and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened
it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed,
and said, 'Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!' The old man replied, 'But you haven't seen what it'll do yet.'
He pointed to a door and said, 'Voodoo dick, the door.' The voodoo
dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing
the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack
developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man
said, 'Voodoo dick, get back in your box!' The voodoo dick stopped,
floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. 'I'll take
it!' said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for
sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home
to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all
she had to do was say 'Voodoo dick, my pussy.' He left for his trip
satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been
gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several
people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the
voodoo dick. She got it out, and said, 'Voodoo dick, my pussy!' The
voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like
nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided
she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her,
still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided
to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes
on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering
with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made
her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He
asked for her license, and then asked much she'd had to drink. Gasping
and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that
a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The
officer looked at her for a second, and then said: 'Yeah, right.........
Voodoo dick, my ass!'
young, promising medical student decides to specialize in sexual disorders
and goes to visit a facility which has just accepted him as an intern.
One of the resident physicians takes him on a tour of the hospital.
All of a sudden, they pass a booth with a young man there masturbating
furiously. The intern turning to his superior asks about the man's
problem. The resident responds, 'Oh, that man has an enormously over-active
sex drive and has to have twenty orgasms a day or he becomes seriously
ill.' They move on through the hospital and eventually come upon another
man in a booth with his pants down around his ankles and a beautiful
blonde nurse on her knees in front of him lustily servicing him. The
intern inquiring to this man's trouble, the resident replies, 'Same
problem, better health plan.'
is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has urinated
the message, 'BILL SUCKS!' on the White House Lawn. Furious, he orders
the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of
the White House staff and find the culprit immediately. A week later,
the FBI director calls. 'Mr. President, I have good news and bad news,'
he says. 'The good news is that the urine belongs to Vice President
Gore.' 'And the bad news?' Clinton demands. After a slight pause, the
director replies, 'Sir, uh, the handwriting belongs to your wife!'
Hillary, and Al were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven,
and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al,
what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion
engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that
if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse
and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live
with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill.
"Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to
the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things
and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also
believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit
at my right." God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe
in?" "I believe you're in my chair."
shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the
Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman.
I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see
him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat
next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak
to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword
puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at
crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse
me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends
in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind.. My goodness, thought the gentleman,
I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought
for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman
said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said
the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
guy wants to work as a medical examiner so he is working in the county
morgue and has to do an autopsy on some guy. He turns the body over
and there is a cork in his butt. He pulls it out and hears someone
singing "On the Road Again". He puts the cork back in and runs to get
the medical examiner. He shows the medical examiner the cork and pulls
it out and hears the song again. The medical examiner says "That's
nothing, any asshole can sing country music."
woman is having a drink at the bar when a guy slides up to her and
says, "Pardon me, I couldn't help but notice that you have the most
beautiful tits I've ever seen." "Well, I never. You keep you filthy
thoughts to yourself, you creep." She gets up and moves to the other
end of the bar. He follows her over, sits down next to her and says "While
you were walking away, I noticed that you also have a perfect perky
little ass." "Sir, you are way out of line. I must ask you to leave
me alone this instant." Undeterred, he replied "I tell you something
else, I'd like to tip you upside down, fill your pussy up with beer
and drink you dry" "Sir, my husband will be arriving in ten minutes,
and he's going to put a serious hurting on you for saying such things
Her husband arrives. The woman says "That greasy looking man over there
said I have nice tits." "I'll punch his lights out" replied the husband. "He
also said I have a perfect perky little ass" "He's really gonna get knocked
out now." The burly husband said. "That's not all, he said he wants to
tip me upside down, fill my pussy up with beer and drink me dry" "Well,
uh, maybe we better get going. I don't want to mess with anyone who can
drink that much beer."
man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately,
when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last
row in the corner of the stadium-he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp
than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he notices
an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides
to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the
security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman
sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man replies "No". Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for
the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible!
Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl
and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to
me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is
the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married
in 1942." "Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone
to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're
all at the funeral."
fifth grade teacher is about to give her class a verbal quiz. She says, "If
you answer right, you will have Monday off". She asks Betsy, "When
is Lincoln's birthday?" Betsy says, "I don't know". She asks Bobby, "How
many continents are there?". Bobby says, "I don't know". Meanwhile
Larry rolls two raquetballs up and hits the teacher in the foot. The
teacher says, " Allright, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Larry stands up and says, "Eddie Murphy, see ya Tuesday!!!"
Johnny comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon.
His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball
and then he proposed to Little Betty the next door neighbor. They are
going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't
want to make fun of Johnny so they ask him "How are you and Betty going
to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well with the
$1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad,
we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay
the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers
"Well, so far, we've been lucky..."
Johnny was playing with his airplane in the back yard and his mother
was in the kitchen washing the dishes. As John was playing she could
hear her son saying "come on all you ass-holes get off the fuck'n airplane
we've got a schedule to keep. All right all you cock suckers get on
the airplane and sit the fuck down we're taking off in two minutes."
When Johns mother hear this she went outside and told John to go to his
bedroom because he was grounded for 2 hours. 2 hours later Johns mother
came into his bedroom and told him if he could play nice he wasn't grounded
anymore. So John when back outside to play with his airplane "OK all
you nice people please hurry off the airplane we have to leave on time,
thank you. All right all you wonderful passengers please get on the airplane
we have to leave in 2 minutes, thank you. And all you people in back
complaining about the 2 hour delay see the bitch in the kitchen!"
was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked
up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that
he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win
lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The
teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled
many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's
urge to gamble. Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher
and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very
She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit." The
father asked her what had happened. "The little tyke absolutely insisted
on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I
finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show
him that I had no mole." "Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars
this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."
the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.
But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and
went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician
examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be
corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up
to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and
the need for surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches???" the doctor asked "Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to
lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
day Little Red Ridinghood set off for her Grandma's house with a basket
of sugar cookies. Before she got to the door to leave, her mother stopped
her and handed her a large caliber revolver (.44 magnum) and told her, "
Little Red Ridinghood, whatever you do watch out for that big bad wolf,
you know he's been seen running around our neck of the woods. And Red,
remember, the gun that is in your basket is loaded and if you do see
that pest just pull it out and blow him away." Well as the story goes,
Little Red Ridinghood, headed out the door and onward towards her grandma's
house. Just about the time she got halfway, that pesky wolf jumped out
from behind a tree and looked Red straight in the eyes, he said "Hello
there Little Red Ridinghood , I am the biggest baddest wolf in this here
neck of the woods and I just want you to know right here and now that
I am going to take you down on the ground and Fuck you. Little Red Ridinghood
just looked that wolf right back in the eyes, grabbed that large caliber
handgun, pointed it straight between his beady little eyes and pronounced, "No
you're not, you mean old wolf, you're gonna eat me like the book says!"
mom and her 4 year old son were taking a shower when he asked her "mommy
what's that?" as he was pointing to her crotch. she replied "that's
mommys sponge" and the boy nodded a couple of days later they were
taking a shower and the boy asked "mommy what happened to your sponge?" the
mother replied " i lost it" (she had shaved it off) a couple days later
the boy came running into the house "mommy mommy i found your sponge" the
mom said "you found my sponge?" the boy answered "yeah the lady next
door has it and she is washing daddys face.
guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he
asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all
our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "...count
me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled
off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware
A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing
"Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which
had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and
it said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"
couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker in the bedroom.
She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For
fifty years, her husband tries to figure out what's in there, but she
always changes the subject, and avoids the issue. Finally, on the night
of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he says to her, "I've got to
know what's in the trunk!" She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker,
and inside there's two ears of corn and $25,000. The guy says, "What's
with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, umm, in the fifty years,
every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk." The
guy figures, "Twice in fifty years, not so bad..." Then he says, "And
what's the $25,000?" She says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I sold
a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window
onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead
in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she
possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind,
she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well
as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation,
and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover
his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river
and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid
sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for
your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row,
I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to
try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again.
So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son
woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw
himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have
sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And
while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy
the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke
up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers
gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down
to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I
have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if
you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son
replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid
was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why
not twenty-five times in a row?"
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said,
"Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you
will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back
to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty
times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you,
sir?" "Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The
cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasssh
at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too
literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's "thing" is
hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man,
"Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully
and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD.. . . . they got my girlfriend
elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked
when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill
her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER
have sex again - the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly
try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however,
and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to
guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one
night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs,
he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says,
her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to
hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs
to kill you!"
Saturday morning, 9 year old little Johnny sat at the kitchen counter
and asked his mom some questions: "Mom, how old are you?" His mom replied, "Well
Johnny there are certain questions you should never ask a woman because
she won't tell you. That's one of those questions, and I am not going
to tell you." Johnny thinks a little more and says, "Mom, how much
do you weigh?" Mom replies, "Well Johnny, that's another one of those
questions you should never ask a woman because she is not going to
tell you, and I am not going to answer that." Johnny thinks some more
and tries again; "Mom, why did you and Dad get divorced?" "Well Johnny,
I think you are just a little to young to understand what happened
between your father and I, we'll talk about it more when you're older.
Now enough of these questions, go outside and play." So Johnny huffs
off and goes outside. He's moping around when along comes his friend
Mikey. Mikey asks;"Johnny why so glum, what's the matter?" Johnny says "I
asked my mom some questions about herself, but she wouldn't tell me
anything!" Mikey says, "Johnny, here's what you do. Go into your mom's
purse, take out her driver's license and take a look. That will tell
you everything you want to know about your mom." So Johnny goes back
in the house, finds his mom's purse, looks at her driver's license
and sure enough there are the answers to all his questions. Later on
he is back in the kitchen with his mom: "Mom, I know how old you are,
you're 33." "Well, that's right Johnny, how did you find that out?" "I'm
not telling how I know. And I know how much you weigh, you weigh 125
pounds." "Oh my gosh, that's right, how did you find this out?" "A
man never reveals his sources. And I know why you and Dad got a divorce." Mom
"oh, why?" "Because you got an "F" in sex!!!"
day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike. His mother said, "At
Christmas you send a letter to Santa to ask for what you want, don't
replied Johnny, "but it isn't Christmas." His mother said, "Yes, but
you can send aletter to Jesus and ask him." Johnny sat down with a pen
and paper and started his letter:
been a good boy and I would like a new bike.
thought about this and decided to start a new letter.
I'm a good boy and I would like a new bike.
thought about this and decided to write another letter.
thought about being a good boy and I would like a new bike.
thought about this and decided that he didn't like that one either.
He left and went walking around depressed when he went by a house with
a small statue of Mary in the front yard. He picked up the statue and
hurried home. He put the statue under the bed and started his new letter.
you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike!